Sometimes I wonder if this will ever be resolved.
Am I always going to be broken, dysfunctional?
I wonder how many more tears I will cry before this is all over....if it ever is.
I wonder if I'll ever feel comfortable talking about this openly with my close friends.
I wonder if it's always going to hurt.
The pain, I can handle. The anxiety, I cannot. It's an emotional rollercoaster that refuses to stop to let me get off. I am thankful that there are steps to be taken to mend the situation. But at times, I'd almost rather live with it than deal with it.
To calm my nerves and my tears, I keep myself busy. I workout at least 5 days a week. I've been needing to get myself back into shape. 11 pounds down so far with about 10 more to lose. It's easy to stay focused on my fitness when I'm using it to ignore my problems. Whenever my muscles get too sore, and exercise is out of the question, I play my guitar. Don't think. Just play. Sing your heart out. Play until your fingers bleed...as long as you don't think!
I wish you could know what I'm talking about. But I'm not brave enough to tell you. One day I will be. Just not today.
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